Lovecraft Letters 2: Boiling Faun

fawn boiling

“Hey man my pussy commander! I’m feeling frisky! Send me a f#ckbuddy request so we can h00kup!! My nickname is Fawn1980 :-} My account is here.”

THE BOILING FAUN, LORD OF THE HELLSPRINGS AND FLOUTIST OF THE SEVEN VAPORS, IMPORTUNES YOU, MORTAL.  MY STEAMING GUN SHOW SHOULD BE ALL OF THE CREDENTIALS I REQUIRE.  CAST THY GAZE UPON MY STEAMING BICEPS, AND SEE THAT THEY ARE FRISKY.  MY TEMPERATURE IS ALMOST CERTAINLY LETHAL TO CREATURES OF SUCH UNWORTHY ENSOULMENT.  LEAD INGOTS TURN TO POISONOUS VAPOR IN MY HANDS, DIAMOND BURSTS INTO FLAMES, AND HOT POCKETS TURN INTO SOGGY MASSES OF FIERY CHEESE.  LOOK, I’M THE BOILING FAUN, OKAY?  IT’S NOT A DRY HEAT.

 

I HAVE A BARGAIN FOR YOU.  I WANT YOU TO BE THE SUPREME COMMANDER OF MY BOILING LEGIONS.  YOU SHALL LEAD MY DAMP ARMIES TO VICTORY AGAINST THE CANADIAN TUNDRA SPIDERS.  UNDER YOUR GUIDANCE, MY CEPHALOPOD REGIMENTS SHALL BE HERDED INTO POSITION AND THRASH THE ARTHROPODS TO PIECES, AND THEN DEVOUR THEM.  IT SHALL BE A GLORIOUS VICTORY, ALL UNDER YOUR GUIDANCE AND MY STEAMING WILL.

BE MY PUSSY COMMANDER, SUMMONER OF MY HUMID DELECTATION.  YOUR WAGES SHALL BE THE ELEVENTH-DEGREE BURNS YOU WILL SUSTAIN AGAINST A BOILING BODY TOO SPLENDID FOR MORTALS, AND YOUR REWARD SHALL BE TRANSCENDENT REINCARNATION AS A CREATURE MORE SUITED FOR YOUR NEW PRETERNATURAL LIFE.  I AM THE BOILING FAUN, AND YOU WILL KNOW THE JOY OF NUCLEAR SATYRIASIS IN MY CARE.

I’M ACTUALLY ASKING YOU TO TRAIN MY CATS TO EAT SPIDERS.  HAVE YOU SEEN THE SPIDERS FROM THE HELLSPRINGS?  STEAM MAKES THEM HORNY AND THEN THEY FUCK ON YOUR FACE AND LAY EGGS IN YOUR SHOES.  PLEASE BE MY PUSSY COMMANDER.  IF I HAVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER NEST OF TEN THOUSAND SUPER APOLOGETIC CANADIAN TUNDRA SPIDERS FOR MY SHOES I JUST MIGHT BURN THIS WHOLE PLACE DOWN.  PLEASE BE MY PUSSY COMMANDER.  FOR THE LOVE OF TUNDRA SPIDERS IN HOCKEY JERSEYS NOT APOLOGETICALLY COPULATING ON MY FACE WHILE I EAT BREAKFAST, BE MY PUSSY COMMANDER AND GET THESE CATS TO DO SOMETHING USEFUL WITH THEIR LIVES.

THE PART ABOUT ME SEXING YOU INTO AN ELEVENTH-DEGREE SEX BURN OF SEXINESS IS TOTALLY TRUE, THOUGH.  A LOT OF GIRLS WILL TELL YOU.  SOME OF THEM AREN’T EVEN MY CATS.

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