Giant Woman

We’ve been through so much together.

Or maybe we haven’t.

Neither of us is the person we were when we met, and that’s amazing.  We have helped each other grow into the people we are today—better informed, better protected, more understanding.  We have held each other up when we could have fallen down.  We have endured hardships and challenges that have reshaped who each of us is, and who we are.

This world is a crushingly lonely place.  This world hates and fears almost everything I have ever been and it reminds me of that antipathy every chance it gets.  I spent two decades and change in a continuous nightmare of no smidgen of comprehension and closeness ever seeming close to enough, of never, ever knowing that the people who showed me kindness or friendship or love were sharing that warmth with me and not with whatever idea of me they’d managed to piece together.  They would tell me, you are not alone, and I dreamed of someday believing them.

That nightmare is a distant joke now, something I can call forth when I need it for writing and then set aside when I’m finished.

The world still hates me, now more than ever, but that matters less than it ever did, because you’re here to face that grotesque specter with me.

I could lose them all—alienate my old friends from Miami, offend the ones from New Jersey, become persona non grata to the band of Catholic and evangelical bigots I have the gross misfortune of calling family, be cast out of my field and take up a soul-crushing job somewhere else—and as long as you’re still here, still sharing this tragicomic farce of a life with me, I will never, ever feel alone again.

I am still growing, still changing, perhaps more than ever.  The person who took far too long to recognize the joy we would eventually share is buried under strata of forehead-slapping regret, cherished memories, and layers of growth all labeled with your name.  The person I will be is the person she is because your volcanic passion, razor wit, delicious puns, social energy, narrative impulse, boundless caring, and soaring ambition made sure she grew into better than she was, better than she could ever have been without you.  It is an honor to see that larger-than-life future before me, and a privilege to imagine that I could share it with you.

All I want to do, is have you see me turn into, a giant woman.

So…

Will you marry me?

Update:

Ania's hand over my hand, both wearing our new engagement rings

(The rings.)

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