Funny

Lovecraft Letters 7: Very Oral, So Oral

"My self-summary: Wm 42 6'1 200 6.5 very oral, always horny love to have fun I'm really good at: Performing oral The six things I could never do without: "Sex blow jobs eating pussy."

“My self-summary: Wm 42 6’1 200 6.5 very oral, always horny love to have fun
I’m really good at: Performing oral
The six things I could never do without: “Sex blow jobs eating pussy.”

I AM A SUPPURATING LAMPREY WEARING THE FLESH OF MAN AND I DESIRE YOUR GENITALS FOR MY FACE HOLE.

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Lovecraft Letters 5: To Bring Shame To Your Fathers

"My self-summary: Am a real black guy with a monster or huge dick when ever I get naked in front of my mom she says my dick is bigger than my dad and she says my dick si bigger like her hands if you rely wanna see it sure catch me up at skype my ID is assignon8 I'm really good at: I am really good at care of a woman it doesn't matter how she is The six things I could never do without: Real love for a woman, Request of a woman, Real wetty sex"

“My self-summary: Am a real black guy with a monster or huge dick when ever I get naked in front of my mom she says my dick is bigger than my dad and she says my dick si bigger like her hands if you rely wanna see it sure catch me up at skype my ID is assignon8
I’m really good at: I am really good at care of a woman it doesn’t matter how she is
The six things I could never do without: Real love for a woman, Request of a woman, Real wetty sex”

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Why Are my Guts Crying (x-post with Angie)

Cartoon of Angie Jackson

This is a post co-written by Ania and Angie. 

“Because I ate a balanced breakfast”Cartoon Ania

“Because I saw a piece of lettuce on someone else’s plate”


“Because I forgot my mother’s birthday”

“Because your Instagram pictures of flax seed everything gave me fiber by osmosis.”

“Because the dilaudid they gave me to treat the pain from my diarrhea made me constipated”

“Because I didn’t drink coffee.”
“Because I did drink coffee.”

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Lovecraft Letters 4: The Orb

"Hi! A little about me..ill try to keep it short. my name is Brandon I am a 39 year old pilot for a major US carrier (I wont say who) I am single and have never been married and no children. that doesn't mean I am not open to it it just hasn't happened. I had a long term SB a few years back and it all worked out good for quite a long time. Like I said I do travel a lot so the distance wasn't really an issue. What I am NOT looking for is someone who is 100% broke. I don't go for the types that have almost nothing and need everything right off the bat. I don't mind helping out but I don't want to be your 100% lifeline just doesn't work out that way so I have found. I very laid back and pretty easy going once you get past the hard outer shell so to speak :) Anyway's I would like to at least hear back from you.. Brandon"

“Hi!
A little about me..ill try to keep it short. my name is Brandon I am a 39 year old pilot for a major US carrier (I wont say who) I am single and have never been married and no children. that doesn’t mean I am not open to it it just hasn’t happened. I had a long term SB a few years back and it all worked out good for quite a long time. Like I said I do travel a lot so the distance wasn’t really an issue. What I am NOT looking for is someone who is 100% broke. I don’t go for the types that have almost nothing and need everything right off the bat. I don’t mind helping out but I don’t want to be your 100% lifeline just doesn’t work out that way so I have found. I very laid back and pretty easy going once you get past the hard outer shell so to speak 🙂
Anyway’s I would like to at least hear back from you..
Brandon”

BEHOLD MY SPLENDOR, LADYWRETCH.

I DESCEND FROM THE AIRY HEAVENS A HARD-SHELLED ORB FROM BEYOND TIME AND SPACE BUT ALSO 39 YEARS OLD AND GAINFULLY EMPLOYED, NO REALLY FOR SERIOUS. I MOVE ACROSS DIMENSIONS AND GALAXIES IN EASY-GOING NONCHALANCE, FOR THE GASEOUS WONDERS OF THE UNIVERSE ARE LONG PASSED INTO FAMILIARITY FOR SUCH A WELL-TRAVELED IMMANENCE. I HAVE TAKEN IN THE COSMOS AND WHAT I DESIRE IS NOT THE SKIES AND QUASARS BUT THE SKIN SAMPLINGS OF YOU, LADYWRETCH OF THIS SPECIFIC SECOND ON THE DIGITIZED SKY SCREAMINGS. YOU WILL WORK OUT GOOD FOR MY JOY EXTRACTOR.

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Lovecraft Letters 3: Rude Fleshcoat

Man: "Hello.  I like your profile.  Can we talk?" Woman: "no." Man: "Not responding is much better than being rude, sweetie! ;)" Woman: "You're right any woman saying no to something they aren't into is completely rude." Man: "Haha.  Ok we both were misunderstood.  Good luck.  Peace."

Man: “Hello. I like your profile. Can we talk?”
Woman: “no.”
Man: “Not responding is much better than being rude, sweetie! ;)”
Woman: “You’re right any woman saying no to something they aren’t into is completely rude.”
Man: “Haha. Ok we both were misunderstood. Good luck. Peace.”

 

HOW DARE YOU NOT ASSENT TO MY NOISE CONGRESS? YOUR IMPOLITIC POSSESSION OF AN AUTONOMOUS MIND IS MOST INCONVENIENT FOR THE SEXBORG OF WHICH I AM BUT A SPIKY, INTRUSIVE TENDRIL.

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Lovecraft Letters 2: Boiling Faun

fawn boiling

“Hey man my pussy commander! I’m feeling frisky! Send me a f#ckbuddy request so we can h00kup!! My nickname is Fawn1980 :-} My account is here.”

THE BOILING FAUN, LORD OF THE HELLSPRINGS AND FLOUTIST OF THE SEVEN VAPORS, IMPORTUNES YOU, MORTAL.  MY STEAMING GUN SHOW SHOULD BE ALL OF THE CREDENTIALS I REQUIRE.  CAST THY GAZE UPON MY STEAMING BICEPS, AND SEE THAT THEY ARE FRISKY.  MY TEMPERATURE IS ALMOST CERTAINLY LETHAL TO CREATURES OF SUCH UNWORTHY ENSOULMENT.  LEAD INGOTS TURN TO POISONOUS VAPOR IN MY HANDS, DIAMOND BURSTS INTO FLAMES, AND HOT POCKETS TURN INTO SOGGY MASSES OF FIERY CHEESE.  LOOK, I’M THE BOILING FAUN, OKAY?  IT’S NOT A DRY HEAT.

 

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Lovecraft Letters 1: The Beautiful Disaster of Your Eyes

Men.  What are they even?  So many of them are so, SO bad at sending OkCupid and similar missives that one wonders if they aren’t any of various Lovecraftian monsters pretending at typewritten humanity in order to seduce lovely victims.

In this ongoing project, I take examples of dating-profile ridiculousness and weave it into the all-caps messages such eldritch abominations might send.  Our first example is a little too solicitous of a friend’s eyes.

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Dermals are Only Skin Deep

For the past few months Alex has been talking about getting a belly button ring. The piercing was my birthday gift to her, but we still had to find a place to do it. By coincidence on one of our outings with Alex’s brother and sister, we passed by her sister’s piercer. We had a recommendation! Later that week I called to find out if it would be possible to get an appointment and to get a price estimate.

It was around this time, that I also let myself make a decision I’ve been wanting for a while. For some time, I have been envious of all the amazing tattoos and piercings that I saw around me. I always admired the style, but always stopped myself out of a need to conform. To conform to the expectations of my family, of Alex’s family, of what is considered “proper”. For all that I am an outspoken activist, I still feel the need to conform to social expectations.

I decided to give myself permission to be as punk as I want to be. To get the piercings that I admired and give myself permission to make it about my enjoyment of my appearance. I decided to get dermals in my cheeks.

Before our appointment, we had dinner with some friends. Excited, we shared our plans with our friends. They joined us in our excitement, showing their support by agreeing to go with us, however, they also expressed some concern. What about Alex’s parents? What would they say?

This visit home had been one of the best either of us had ever experienced. Difficult subjects that came up did not end in hurt feelings on both sides, nor with anger, but rather with understanding. We were heard and accepted, and in return we felt comfortable enough to hear them out as well. This was a big step for both of us, especially when considering that we needed to build good favour for future discussions.

Suddenly my decision provoked anxiety. Alex’s piercing could be easily hidden, but what about mine? Dermals on my face would be pretty obvious. That they came only days after our conversation about “living in the real world” and overhearing their disapproval of their daughter’s less usual ear piercing, would seem like deliberate antagonism. Although my decision had nothing to do with them, it had suddenly become political.

What followed was almost a parody of what people who are in the closet play out their lives. I got the piercings, but I wasn’t willing to create a scene or risk their opinion of me by letting them find out. And so we played the game of hide the piercings.

As we waited to be picked up from the restaurant, we thought about how to explain the Band-Aids on my face. Then it came to me! I had scratched off some pimples/mosquito bites. We hoped that with it being late, the parents wouldn’t notice until either later at the house or the next morning. They noticed immediately.

We used the excuse we had come up with and hoped that no one commented on how symmetrically I managed to do so. For the next few days it was a delicate balance. I had to wash the piercings twice a day which meant changing Band-Aids, which also meant explaining why I still needed them: I washed off the scabs, they were itchy and I wanted to keep myself from scratching. I had to stall for four days, but without making it seem bad enough that someone would want to “take a look at it.”

In the meantime, every time we went out, I pulled them off my face to let the piercings breathe, and to show them off to the world. I reveled in the freedom of being able to be who I was.

Ania's new dermal piercings

Aren’t they cute!?

Whenever someone new, a grandparents, a family friend, saw the bandages on my face I had to explain them again. Mima was the only one to comment about the even spacing, but I laughed it off as a funny coincidence. A part of me suspects that the parents weren’t really fooled, but they didn’t mention anything and so everyone pretended to go along with the charade.

Because it was something of relatively little personal importance, the situation managed to be funny. I remember exasperating more than once that “I am 27 years old!” The idea that at my age I still had to hide something like piercings from my and someone else’s parents seemed silly.

But in a scary sense the relatively insignificant piercing closet was a parable for more significant and significantly more important closets: gender orientation, sexual orientation, religious belief or non-belief, the people we love, are all just some of the many examples. Ultimately what closets are are tiny prisons that remind us that the people who should love us unconditionally may not accept who we are. What makes it scarier that sometimes we wear there prisons as armour to protect us from those who we shouldn’t need to be protected from.

The world saw the results of those kinds of prison with the story of Leelah Alcorn. She is not the only one by far.  Social Media, the internet, have made it possible for these victims to burst out of their closets for glorious instances of freedom, but sometimes that is not enough. In that time, the internet becomes the place where their real eulogies can be seen rather than the dishonest tripe of those who forced closed the prison doors when they should have been the ones helping them to open.

I have heard it said that “we all come out of the closet twice…at least twice” is a running joke among trans women. I imagine it is one said with strength but also a fair amount of sadness.

People ask what the harm of jokes that make fun of people of a certain group, of using pejoratives and slurs, of having “personal” opinions that dehumanize people, and the truth is that each of these things along with a lack of representation in media, biased presentations, mocking presentations, each of these and more make up the bricks in the walls of these closets, our prisons. To make the world that Leelah dreamed of, to make a world that is safe for many of us who have to hide who we are, to do this we have to give up the idea that intentions are enough. We have to speak out. We have to DO BETTER.

No you are no longer entitled to your own opinion, because your opinion harms, and your discomfort is not worth the lives of our siblings, of our children, of our lovers, of our friends.

Dermals are only skin deep, but identities are who we are.

Apocalypse of the Week 12: Thrust In Thy Sharp Sickle

Tribulation.  The Rapture.  The Second Coming.  For many, these terms are synonymous with the end of the world.  Indeed, the terms “apocalypse” and “Armageddon” both entered the public consciousness because of their appearances in the Bible, and have since become synonymous with the more general term “eschaton.”  But what’s actually involved in the Christian vision of the end of the world?  One could be forgiven for forgetting that the original story bears little resemblance to the modern-day, politics-themed reimagining lampooned in a previous installment.  Rather, here be dragons.  And enough gruesome torture to make Mortal Kombat cutscenes feel like Sesame Street.

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