Lovecraft Letters

Lovecraft Letters 6: A Wave of Murderous Sex

"I am deadly with crutches. Them fuckers are lethal in my hands. I like, and want, you. Will you text me? --X."

“I am deadly with crutches. Them fuckers are lethal in my hands. I like, and want, you. Will you text me? –X.”

HELLO LADYFACE.  IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME THAT YOU KNOW THAT I AM A MURDEROUS DYNAMO OF SEXUAL LETHALITY.  MY THUNDERSEXINGS ARE ILLEGAL IN MANY COUNTRIES DUE TO STATUTES BANNING THE USE OF WELDING TOOLS TO REPAIR INJURIES.  I AM ABLE TO RENDER OBJECTS LETHAL BY CONVEYING MY DESIRES AT THEM THROUGH MICROWAVE BEAMS.  ALSO, I AM ABLE TO RENDER ORGANISMS COOKED AND SOMETIMES EXPLODED BY CONVEYING MY DESIRES AT THEM THROUGH MICROWAVE BEAMS.  THE INTENSITY OF MY SEXMURDER CAN BE MEASURED ON THE RICHTER SCALE AND ON THE REALLY LONG RULERS THAT ASTRONOMERS USE TO MEASURE SPACE.

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Lovecraft Letters 5: To Bring Shame To Your Fathers

"My self-summary: Am a real black guy with a monster or huge dick when ever I get naked in front of my mom she says my dick is bigger than my dad and she says my dick si bigger like her hands if you rely wanna see it sure catch me up at skype my ID is assignon8 I'm really good at: I am really good at care of a woman it doesn't matter how she is The six things I could never do without: Real love for a woman, Request of a woman, Real wetty sex"

“My self-summary: Am a real black guy with a monster or huge dick when ever I get naked in front of my mom she says my dick is bigger than my dad and she says my dick si bigger like her hands if you rely wanna see it sure catch me up at skype my ID is assignon8
I’m really good at: I am really good at care of a woman it doesn’t matter how she is
The six things I could never do without: Real love for a woman, Request of a woman, Real wetty sex”

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Lovecraft Letters 4: The Orb

"Hi! A little about me..ill try to keep it short. my name is Brandon I am a 39 year old pilot for a major US carrier (I wont say who) I am single and have never been married and no children. that doesn't mean I am not open to it it just hasn't happened. I had a long term SB a few years back and it all worked out good for quite a long time. Like I said I do travel a lot so the distance wasn't really an issue. What I am NOT looking for is someone who is 100% broke. I don't go for the types that have almost nothing and need everything right off the bat. I don't mind helping out but I don't want to be your 100% lifeline just doesn't work out that way so I have found. I very laid back and pretty easy going once you get past the hard outer shell so to speak :) Anyway's I would like to at least hear back from you.. Brandon"

“Hi!
A little about me..ill try to keep it short. my name is Brandon I am a 39 year old pilot for a major US carrier (I wont say who) I am single and have never been married and no children. that doesn’t mean I am not open to it it just hasn’t happened. I had a long term SB a few years back and it all worked out good for quite a long time. Like I said I do travel a lot so the distance wasn’t really an issue. What I am NOT looking for is someone who is 100% broke. I don’t go for the types that have almost nothing and need everything right off the bat. I don’t mind helping out but I don’t want to be your 100% lifeline just doesn’t work out that way so I have found. I very laid back and pretty easy going once you get past the hard outer shell so to speak 🙂
Anyway’s I would like to at least hear back from you..
Brandon”

BEHOLD MY SPLENDOR, LADYWRETCH.

I DESCEND FROM THE AIRY HEAVENS A HARD-SHELLED ORB FROM BEYOND TIME AND SPACE BUT ALSO 39 YEARS OLD AND GAINFULLY EMPLOYED, NO REALLY FOR SERIOUS. I MOVE ACROSS DIMENSIONS AND GALAXIES IN EASY-GOING NONCHALANCE, FOR THE GASEOUS WONDERS OF THE UNIVERSE ARE LONG PASSED INTO FAMILIARITY FOR SUCH A WELL-TRAVELED IMMANENCE. I HAVE TAKEN IN THE COSMOS AND WHAT I DESIRE IS NOT THE SKIES AND QUASARS BUT THE SKIN SAMPLINGS OF YOU, LADYWRETCH OF THIS SPECIFIC SECOND ON THE DIGITIZED SKY SCREAMINGS. YOU WILL WORK OUT GOOD FOR MY JOY EXTRACTOR.

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Lovecraft Letters 3: Rude Fleshcoat

Man: "Hello.  I like your profile.  Can we talk?" Woman: "no." Man: "Not responding is much better than being rude, sweetie! ;)" Woman: "You're right any woman saying no to something they aren't into is completely rude." Man: "Haha.  Ok we both were misunderstood.  Good luck.  Peace."

Man: “Hello. I like your profile. Can we talk?”
Woman: “no.”
Man: “Not responding is much better than being rude, sweetie! ;)”
Woman: “You’re right any woman saying no to something they aren’t into is completely rude.”
Man: “Haha. Ok we both were misunderstood. Good luck. Peace.”

 

HOW DARE YOU NOT ASSENT TO MY NOISE CONGRESS? YOUR IMPOLITIC POSSESSION OF AN AUTONOMOUS MIND IS MOST INCONVENIENT FOR THE SEXBORG OF WHICH I AM BUT A SPIKY, INTRUSIVE TENDRIL.

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Lovecraft Letters 2: Boiling Faun

fawn boiling

“Hey man my pussy commander! I’m feeling frisky! Send me a f#ckbuddy request so we can h00kup!! My nickname is Fawn1980 :-} My account is here.”

THE BOILING FAUN, LORD OF THE HELLSPRINGS AND FLOUTIST OF THE SEVEN VAPORS, IMPORTUNES YOU, MORTAL.  MY STEAMING GUN SHOW SHOULD BE ALL OF THE CREDENTIALS I REQUIRE.  CAST THY GAZE UPON MY STEAMING BICEPS, AND SEE THAT THEY ARE FRISKY.  MY TEMPERATURE IS ALMOST CERTAINLY LETHAL TO CREATURES OF SUCH UNWORTHY ENSOULMENT.  LEAD INGOTS TURN TO POISONOUS VAPOR IN MY HANDS, DIAMOND BURSTS INTO FLAMES, AND HOT POCKETS TURN INTO SOGGY MASSES OF FIERY CHEESE.  LOOK, I’M THE BOILING FAUN, OKAY?  IT’S NOT A DRY HEAT.

 

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Lovecraft Letters 1: The Beautiful Disaster of Your Eyes

Men.  What are they even?  So many of them are so, SO bad at sending OkCupid and similar missives that one wonders if they aren’t any of various Lovecraftian monsters pretending at typewritten humanity in order to seduce lovely victims.

In this ongoing project, I take examples of dating-profile ridiculousness and weave it into the all-caps messages such eldritch abominations might send.  Our first example is a little too solicitous of a friend’s eyes.

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